Bittersweet

I just got off of a 15 hour plane ride, and I am waiting to board another one that will take me home to Memphis. Both physically and mentally, I am in an in between stage – a limbo between what has passed and what is yet to come. The nice people next to me on the plane asked me, like most people when they hear I am going home from a study abroad trip, “How do you feel about leaving? Excited? Sad?” The answer is always the same, “It’s bittersweet.”

Bittersweet. I say it every time because it is the closest I can get to describing leaving an experience of a lifetime, but it doesn’t capture all of the other feelings that come with the return home. I am also worried, nervous, and anxious. Coming from me, a typically very emotionless human, this is not normal. I was not nervous to come to Sydney. I did not fear the plane ride or missing home too much. I made jokes about the four stages of culture shock, not even a bit worried I would experience them. However, now, sitting in this airport stuck with a layover and all of my thoughts and memories, I am all of these things.

On my last night with my all-star roomie, we reflected on how this trip has molded and changed us in some incredible ways. More confidence. More independence. More carefree. More understanding, perhaps. But, we also recognized that we are, right now, the “Australia versions of ourselves.” This is where my uncharacteristic emotions are coming from. I keep asking myself, “When I go back to my friends, family, and routine, will Australia Catie survive?”

In Sydney, it was easy to be who I wanted to be. I enjoyed spending time with every other person on our program, I liked my internship, I found people who I could learn form, and I found others who I could share my knowledge with. I am not saying that I was always the perfect version of myself, Lord knows we all have those days, but, looking back, I am content in the decisions I made, places I went, and relationships I built.  

Now, my mind is filled with the what ifs? The little worries and questions I had the whole time, but I was able to push aside because I was IN SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA(!!!!). What if everything is different when I return home? What if I changed in a way that affects other relationships? What if I missed out on important opportunities? What if I go home and am not the “Australia Catie” I want to continue to be?

I guess these questions are natural with any change, though, and the easiest way to describe all of the feels is still “bittersweet.” Whatever happens when I return home, I would not alter a single moment I spent in Sydney. I had the time of my life, and I know that the highs and lows all played an important role in making the Australia Catie I am proud to return home as. Maybe morphing into Aussie/Mem/Knox Catie is just part of the plan – what I need to do to be the best version of myself.

I think that everyone else changed, too, whether we realized it in the moment or not. We all changed together. That is the cool thing about being sent to a foreign country with a bunch of strangers. You get the opportunity to be a version of yourself that is brought out people you may have never met otherwise. So, shout out to all the 2017 Global Scholars – I hope you all know how incredible you are and what an important role you played in this life-changing experience.